sunrise

Let's see. It's 5:45 AM and I am awake. I don't have to be at work until 7:45. I woke up randomly at 4:00 and have been on the computer for about an hour now because I couldn't fall back to sleep. I've been writing a story about a rapist. yaaaaaay. I'm also listening to the Buffy Musical soundtrack. 
These past week has been very very strange to me. It was my birthday, which is always... weird. Growing up, more freedom? new friends IS THAT A(NOTHER) WHITE HAIR???!? Yeah, it's like a roller coaster of social and existential anxiety throwup. For me at least, for the last couple of years. I don't presume it will get any better until I turn 40 and I just give up. 

Anyway, I had a fight a fight with a friend that is not even resolved at the time I am writing this. So right now I may have lost a friend, or, you know, not. It actually hurts a lot thinking about it, so I'm not gonna write about it until there is some clear definition to the conflict (hahahaha lau that only happens in movies this is real life). 

But it got me thinking about friendship in general (OHMYGOD now I'm listening to "Under your Spell"... you Buffyphiles know what I'm talking about -- Tara was so awesome). 

"You make me cum - plete!" Joss Whedon is SUBTLE. 

I take friendship seriously. Like, very very seriously. I could win at friendship if it was a sport. Competitive friendship (it's called the internet). Since I was 15, my friends have HAD to become my family because I was so far away from home all the time. And they did, some of them. I have many sisters and foster moms and brothers and etc. Making friends is choosing your family, it's awesome! I don't  understand people who only stay with one group of friends forever and ever... There are so many awesome people and I always wanted a big family! And I've got one! I've got a family member in every continent! (Except Australia). 

hey you

But homie, I work for these friendships. I am so not perfect, and I get angry too easily and I come with baggage and you will have to listen to me complain about my father and shit, and I get moody. But I care, and when I say "te quiero" it really - really - mean it. I know not a lot of people, including some of my friends, share these feelings, or at least not to the same power as mine, which is hard sometimes. 
Also hard? Feeling half a person most of the time because your sisters and brothers are not there with you. 

This in an incomplete thought process. I might come back to it. 

pic unrelated, but isn't this shit cool?

Okay, moving on. Last night I went to to my first class  on script writing. We watched bits of Back to the Future and talked some theory, so yeah. The teacher is young and seems very smart and informed. Some of the people taking the course, however, seem older people with nothing better to do. Many of them didn't know who Lynch was... which, like, okay, but... no. I'm a snob? No, I'm a film student. Fuck off, you cannot not know who David Lynch is. WHATEVER some other people seem pretty cool (90% men, and the other girls are uncool and annoying -- no lesbian love for me there!). 

she... wasn't there

Speaking of lesbian love, I'm insane and I had a huge step back this weekend. Maybe it was my birthday thing. Maybe because I've been dreaming about my ex like every night. But I messaged her... didn't play out so well. I have temporarily closed off my Facebook out of embarrassment. 

(Giles' song is playing now, and I kinda want to cry)

You guys I'm watching the sunrise from bed this is actually ridiculous. My apt has the best view ever, actually. The sky is blue and yellow and green and orange. The buildings are black and the sea is purple. The street lights are still on, flickering? The Uruguayan state can't afford very bright lights, maybe. Which is okay with me, this city is fuzzy at night and that's fine by me. The birds are chirping -- loudly -- and there are very few cars out.

this is not montevideo, this is bolivia. i took this pic <3

Thankfully I think today won't be bad. Even though I only had two hours of sleep, I feel pretty positive I won't start crying as I do the dishes like I did on Sunday. Or that I won't sleep ALL day like I did on Saturday. Or that I won't wait for my mom to go to the store so I could contemplate disinfecting my pair of scissors. 






okbye

couple of things I am embarrassed about - getting personal up in hurr

1. I like Buffy the Vampire Slayer a tad too much. I don't like it. I love it. I often imagine what different characters would think in a given situation. I think in quotes from the show. I name drop Joss Whedon constantly. I worry about whether or not Buffy and Spike will get together next comic season. I have cried several times in several episodes (most notably, The Body, The Gift, Seeing Red, Innocence, etc). I wait anxiously for new updates of my favorite fics. I could watch the show on repeat for the rest of my life.

the gift/seeing red       

        1(a) I am also very embarrased by the fact that I think that Spike and Buffy share one of the greatest loves of all time, and how much I obsessed over the fact that they should be together. 

please, Joss, please! they so belong together. 

2. On a related note, I get too obsessed with other TV shows and spend way too much time watching them.
3. Sometimes, I search the tag "thinspiration" on Tumblr and look at the pictures of anorexic girls who are trying so hard to look like me. I am both fascinated by the girls that are too skinny and I feel superior to the ones who look like me but had to try so hard to do so. When I do this, I try to be eating something fatty and gross at the same time. It makes me chuckle.

haha this bitch probably hates me.

4. Sometimes I pick my nose. And I don't shower everyday either.
5. I am not as smart or as interesting as everyone thinks I am. I don't read enough. I am also not as self-confident as I make it seem.

you will always be capt mal to me, nathan. 

6. Sometimes I feel embarrassed to tell people about how fucked my family is. This also makes me feel very guilty.
7. The fact that I kind of maybe very slightly possibly really do want to be one of those incredibly boring but hot hipsters who seem to get laid a lot.

ugh why can't i be a slight, dainty, american-apparel wearing, septum-piercing sporting, tatted-up hot girl?

8. My vagina for reasons I won't discuss. :(




That's it! I thought the list would be longer YAY. But I'm a pretty horrible person, uh?






<3

scariest vampire

I am taking a course on vampires in literature and film. It is pretty much the best course I have ever taken in my college career, cause, duh vampires! We have seen True Blood, Dracula (what the fuck happened to Copppola in the 90s?), and others. We will see The hunger, The lost boys, and Buffy. 

I don't remember Sarah Michelle Buffy having ANY tits

But! This is not about Buffy (yeahok), it's about this question one of my professors made in class yesterday about who we think is the scariest vamp. Obviously, in our day and age, our notions of vampires are varied. We have Dracula, the orig, but we also have Edward. 

Fuck you, Stephanie Meyer... just fuck you

Different vampires in different books/movies/TV series have different rules. Some vamps can walk in daylight, some can't. Some of them look like little glowing girls, others don't. Each 'new' vampire must denounce or embrace the rules that we already know for vampires, but they are always working from pre-conceived ideas of what vampires mean/are. 

THIS is what a bela looks like

In light of this (and, hey, look, back to Buffy), in my opinion, the scariest vampire I know is ANGELUS. Buffy tells us that the lack of soul situash is what makes him so evil once he gets a happy. But I think it's because he's a dick.

ugh

His psychological torment of Buffy is extreme, and that is, what I think, the scariest quality of the vampire: the lack of conscience paired with the desire to fuck shit up. The asshole psycopath, if you will, the desire to not only kill, but make it hurt. 




Just like some people's exes.




What do you think?

the most boring weekend: inspiration for the longest post

Let me tell YOU about my weekend:  

Friday: nap and then drunk. I was mean to people I care about, and did stupid shit. And then I came home and did mean things to myself. No need to get into it, but, I apologize to my friends and to myself. (If you didn't hang out with me during the weekend, you're in luck).

I don't know who took this one. Not me.

Saturday: I read what seemed to be all the pages of all the articles and books ever written, but still didn't finish my reading for this week. It's okay, I will just do what every college student does when she hasn't done all of her readings: bullshit your way through seminar, sleep during lecture. Saturday, as well, I watched two movies by Ken Russell.

The man looks like this.

Now, If you don't know Ken Russell, please go to his imdb page and check out the ratings on his movies: absolute crap. Yet, these were required for my vampire class, so I had to do it. A little sample (which leaves out all the weird nakedness and phalli everywhere. There is a dream sequence where the Virgin Mary gets raped.)

Yeah, I watched two of those: Gothic and The Lair of the White Worm (what.the.fuck). Hugh Grant is officially now a crappy actor.

asssssshole

After, I got a bit sentimental after reading 200 pages of Dracula. I felt inadequate, like I should have been born to a high-society family in Victorian England. Imagine! I would have wrecked their shit up. You know, in style, à la Oscar Wilde. Without the dying alone and penniless in exile.

fucking gangsta

Sunday: I cleaned my room. I actually got down on my knees and vacuumed between the wood floor boards. I grabbed my FABULOSO, and, true to its name, it fabulously cleaned the beer gunk on my floor (after much scrubbing). I felt so proletariat. But then I decided that was probably not PC, so I stopped.

This was literally me. Also, go check out hyperbole and a half

I also watched Buffy with jwife too, and got all scared/excited at the uber-vamp of season 7. We both have blue balls about Spuffy not getting it on (anymore).

Please Joss, pleeeeease!

After, more homework about something something something in communist film theory, about motion, about the "endless" and "sublime" quality of film. Needless to say, after many underlinings of every paragraph, I don't know what the fuck I read about.

While watching the Grammys I wanted to throw something at the TV,  preferably something pointy. Lady Antebellum can suck my dildo. BUT! La Roux (my girlfriend) got Best Dance Record! Which she totally deserves, that album is a conceptual masterpiece, go fuck yourself if you don't like it.

uuuuggghhhhhh

That's... it? Pretty much the most boring weekend ever, but I was hella productive, the most I have been in weeks upon months.

Happy Valentine's Day! If you care about this crap. (I made a card for jwife that says, quite wittily: "You make my... nipples all pointy!!!" With a picture of boobs)

Edit: Jesus, I just re-read this and I had so freaking many spelling mistakes! Oops.

hallo again!

you guys a new blog! i know you missed me.
anyway, i would like to talk about what i will do tonight: drink lotsa wine and watch buffy. me and Jwife have been watching all of buffy since classes began in september. we are now at episode 7, season 7.

reason to watch buffy número uno

i swear to (?), i would go straight for spike any day of the week. not the actor, for some reason, who by the way just got married. MOVING ON!
after finding out today that i will probably get kicked out of the states the day after i graduate, i decided to drink wine, oh so much wine!

what i have in mind (via ohfishal)

turns out that all my years living and studying here count for almost-shit. i could get a job in my field of studies and stay for a year, but who are we kidding? ain't gonna happen.

don't kick me out please (via penzerparty)

someone marry me.