sunrise

Let's see. It's 5:45 AM and I am awake. I don't have to be at work until 7:45. I woke up randomly at 4:00 and have been on the computer for about an hour now because I couldn't fall back to sleep. I've been writing a story about a rapist. yaaaaaay. I'm also listening to the Buffy Musical soundtrack. 
These past week has been very very strange to me. It was my birthday, which is always... weird. Growing up, more freedom? new friends IS THAT A(NOTHER) WHITE HAIR???!? Yeah, it's like a roller coaster of social and existential anxiety throwup. For me at least, for the last couple of years. I don't presume it will get any better until I turn 40 and I just give up. 

Anyway, I had a fight a fight with a friend that is not even resolved at the time I am writing this. So right now I may have lost a friend, or, you know, not. It actually hurts a lot thinking about it, so I'm not gonna write about it until there is some clear definition to the conflict (hahahaha lau that only happens in movies this is real life). 

But it got me thinking about friendship in general (OHMYGOD now I'm listening to "Under your Spell"... you Buffyphiles know what I'm talking about -- Tara was so awesome). 

"You make me cum - plete!" Joss Whedon is SUBTLE. 

I take friendship seriously. Like, very very seriously. I could win at friendship if it was a sport. Competitive friendship (it's called the internet). Since I was 15, my friends have HAD to become my family because I was so far away from home all the time. And they did, some of them. I have many sisters and foster moms and brothers and etc. Making friends is choosing your family, it's awesome! I don't  understand people who only stay with one group of friends forever and ever... There are so many awesome people and I always wanted a big family! And I've got one! I've got a family member in every continent! (Except Australia). 

hey you

But homie, I work for these friendships. I am so not perfect, and I get angry too easily and I come with baggage and you will have to listen to me complain about my father and shit, and I get moody. But I care, and when I say "te quiero" it really - really - mean it. I know not a lot of people, including some of my friends, share these feelings, or at least not to the same power as mine, which is hard sometimes. 
Also hard? Feeling half a person most of the time because your sisters and brothers are not there with you. 

This in an incomplete thought process. I might come back to it. 

pic unrelated, but isn't this shit cool?

Okay, moving on. Last night I went to to my first class  on script writing. We watched bits of Back to the Future and talked some theory, so yeah. The teacher is young and seems very smart and informed. Some of the people taking the course, however, seem older people with nothing better to do. Many of them didn't know who Lynch was... which, like, okay, but... no. I'm a snob? No, I'm a film student. Fuck off, you cannot not know who David Lynch is. WHATEVER some other people seem pretty cool (90% men, and the other girls are uncool and annoying -- no lesbian love for me there!). 

she... wasn't there

Speaking of lesbian love, I'm insane and I had a huge step back this weekend. Maybe it was my birthday thing. Maybe because I've been dreaming about my ex like every night. But I messaged her... didn't play out so well. I have temporarily closed off my Facebook out of embarrassment. 

(Giles' song is playing now, and I kinda want to cry)

You guys I'm watching the sunrise from bed this is actually ridiculous. My apt has the best view ever, actually. The sky is blue and yellow and green and orange. The buildings are black and the sea is purple. The street lights are still on, flickering? The Uruguayan state can't afford very bright lights, maybe. Which is okay with me, this city is fuzzy at night and that's fine by me. The birds are chirping -- loudly -- and there are very few cars out.

this is not montevideo, this is bolivia. i took this pic <3

Thankfully I think today won't be bad. Even though I only had two hours of sleep, I feel pretty positive I won't start crying as I do the dishes like I did on Sunday. Or that I won't sleep ALL day like I did on Saturday. Or that I won't wait for my mom to go to the store so I could contemplate disinfecting my pair of scissors. 






okbye

rager on a friday night

It is Friday night and I have made the “decision” of staying in. It's not like there's nothing to do; I was invited to TWO different things. This is a lot for Uruguay winter. I don't feel like a grown-up staying in, I feel like a grandmother.

Other things that make me feel like a grandmother?

and not like these cool bitches either

I get dizzy every time I get up, it feels like I'm on percocet (without the, you know, fun part)

I have to drink Ensure to keep my weight up (woe is me, right? But that shit tastes gross)

My gums bleed every single fucking time I brush my teeth

I have a terrible, been-smoking-for-40-years cough

I am tired, like, all of the times. All of them.

laugh it up, giles. you asshole. 

But I decided to stay in because I don't feel exotic any more. Let me walk you through this insane logic that I have: When I was in the States, even my name was weird. People would be all shocked and surprised and impressed that I was from a small South American country.

like the gay one from nina sky.

“But your parents are American?” No. “But you have lived here since you were little?” No. “Oh wow, you are zooo cooooufllfll” Lalala. Here, I am one more girl with a weird fashion sense and a bitch face on. No one new ever talks to me because I'm old and jaded and pale. I have only had ONE come on the whole time I have been here, from a dude. An old one. And not even at a club, it was walking down the street and I felt dirty.

So, I am not interesting here. I often miss pop culture references, I don't get jokes, and I even make numerous mistakes in Spanish. I feel like a foreigner with no personality. I have nothing to talk about. So I stayed in, because, why am I going out to spend money getting drunk when I can do that here in my house. I bought a flask of whiskey. It is now gone yeeeeeaaaayyyy!

But mostly, LESBIHONEST, my ex was going to be there. Outside, I mean. And I really want to be the person who doesn't give a shit and that can be okay with being around their ex, specially because it's been a month, but running into her every time I force myself to leave my house is not pleasant, having to actually will-power myself into not checking her Facebook isn't either. So I stayed in and deleted her from Facebook which may be childish but I'm too depressed to give a fuck. I'm thinking of getting rid of Facebook altogether. I have most definitely become an internet addict during the past month. I spend countless hours reading and re reading boring posts and news. I don't even read interesting things, or fiction, or watch good movies. I have recently gotten into Pretty Little Liars, for fuck's sake.

they *do* have gays

I rarely eat, I don't read, I don't even listen to music because it makes me feel too much. Whenever my friends are over I sometimes stop listening to what they say and stare at the walls. I do that when I'm watching TV too, all by myself. I'm actually trying to fool myself, by having a plate of food in front of me or talking on the phone or something.

I have a list of things I have to do. If I'm lucky, I'll do one thing a day. Today, I picked up my boots from the boot guy. I also washed the dishes, so that's two things. I didn't send off my resume, and I didn't shower. I slept for 13 hours last night, and then I took a two hour nap. It is time to sleep again.


Next time I'll tell you about the time I almost died two weeks ago.