Let's see. It's 5:45 AM and I am awake. I don't have to be at work until 7:45. I woke up randomly at 4:00 and have been on the computer for about an hour now because I couldn't fall back to sleep. I've been writing a story about a rapist. yaaaaaay. I'm also listening to the Buffy Musical soundtrack. 
These past week has been very very strange to me. It was my birthday, which is always... weird. Growing up, more freedom? new friends IS THAT A(NOTHER) WHITE HAIR???!? Yeah, it's like a roller coaster of social and existential anxiety throwup. For me at least, for the last couple of years. I don't presume it will get any better until I turn 40 and I just give up. 

Anyway, I had a fight a fight with a friend that is not even resolved at the time I am writing this. So right now I may have lost a friend, or, you know, not. It actually hurts a lot thinking about it, so I'm not gonna write about it until there is some clear definition to the conflict (hahahaha lau that only happens in movies this is real life). 

But it got me thinking about friendship in general (OHMYGOD now I'm listening to "Under your Spell"... you Buffyphiles know what I'm talking about -- Tara was so awesome). 

"You make me cum - plete!" Joss Whedon is SUBTLE. 

I take friendship seriously. Like, very very seriously. I could win at friendship if it was a sport. Competitive friendship (it's called the internet). Since I was 15, my friends have HAD to become my family because I was so far away from home all the time. And they did, some of them. I have many sisters and foster moms and brothers and etc. Making friends is choosing your family, it's awesome! I don't  understand people who only stay with one group of friends forever and ever... There are so many awesome people and I always wanted a big family! And I've got one! I've got a family member in every continent! (Except Australia). 

hey you

But homie, I work for these friendships. I am so not perfect, and I get angry too easily and I come with baggage and you will have to listen to me complain about my father and shit, and I get moody. But I care, and when I say "te quiero" it really - really - mean it. I know not a lot of people, including some of my friends, share these feelings, or at least not to the same power as mine, which is hard sometimes. 
Also hard? Feeling half a person most of the time because your sisters and brothers are not there with you. 

This in an incomplete thought process. I might come back to it. 

pic unrelated, but isn't this shit cool?

Okay, moving on. Last night I went to to my first class  on script writing. We watched bits of Back to the Future and talked some theory, so yeah. The teacher is young and seems very smart and informed. Some of the people taking the course, however, seem older people with nothing better to do. Many of them didn't know who Lynch was... which, like, okay, but... no. I'm a snob? No, I'm a film student. Fuck off, you cannot not know who David Lynch is. WHATEVER some other people seem pretty cool (90% men, and the other girls are uncool and annoying -- no lesbian love for me there!). 

she... wasn't there

Speaking of lesbian love, I'm insane and I had a huge step back this weekend. Maybe it was my birthday thing. Maybe because I've been dreaming about my ex like every night. But I messaged her... didn't play out so well. I have temporarily closed off my Facebook out of embarrassment. 

(Giles' song is playing now, and I kinda want to cry)

You guys I'm watching the sunrise from bed this is actually ridiculous. My apt has the best view ever, actually. The sky is blue and yellow and green and orange. The buildings are black and the sea is purple. The street lights are still on, flickering? The Uruguayan state can't afford very bright lights, maybe. Which is okay with me, this city is fuzzy at night and that's fine by me. The birds are chirping -- loudly -- and there are very few cars out.

this is not montevideo, this is bolivia. i took this pic <3

Thankfully I think today won't be bad. Even though I only had two hours of sleep, I feel pretty positive I won't start crying as I do the dishes like I did on Sunday. Or that I won't sleep ALL day like I did on Saturday. Or that I won't wait for my mom to go to the store so I could contemplate disinfecting my pair of scissors. 



self diagnose // just an update

I haven't been very good about writing lately. I mean, I never am, but this is special. Because during the past week or so I have actually been thinking. It's like I'm midways, suspended in gravity, along a deep pit. I was looking down, but now I am looking up. I can see some stars, whereas before I could only see more brown.

I have ideas, ideas about films that will probably never be made, ideas about how to decorate my room, ideas about the appropriate way to trick a girl into kissing you. Setting: She has curly hair and doesn't want to go too fast, and you're okay with that. For the first time in ever.

via this person
My birthday is next weekend. Saturday. It will be my first birthday in Uruguay in five years. No themed parties, no summer birthday any more. I turn 24, which is a blah age. I met a guy the other day and I had a really funny conversation of which I was the star. I like when people think I'm funny. He couldn't believe he was talking to a pretty girl who was funny. I laughed it off, but it's pretty sad. The people in this country need to chill the fuck out. Maybe the summer will bring shorter skirts and some more laughter.

I got bad news the other day from the Italian embassy about my citizenship. It's apparently one year behind. And if I want to apply for my masters in Sweden and not pay for it, I need my citizenship. For other things too, like, moving the fuck out once the fall here starts again and I can go be with my J and be able to work in Paris. I realize I just can't be without her. You know those people who move places for love? Well, I want to do the same, but for friendwife love. And the italians are cramping my fucking swag.

Speaking of J and I, we went to Buenos Aires when she was here. It was very cold. She met A who is a very good friend of mine and I just knew they would get along and talk about arty shit I have no clue about. Although me and J fought A about how good Buffy was because A doesn't like it, which I think is a travesty, such a great post-modern show, not being appreciated by one of the most intelligent people I know. Oh well.

J and I did very touristy shit but it was great. Being around her is like a human SSRI inhibitor. I just feel fucking happy. I'm lucky my soulmate is not someone I have sex with, because that fucks shit up. We are forever.
We looked at the pretty colored buildings and danced until sunrise and had lols as we missed out boat coming back to Montevideo. Buenos Aires is a weird city for me. I don't really like it, but, goddddammmmn is it much much bigger than here... There are things TO DO! I mean, if all else fails, I guess I could move there, getting a job there will probably be not hard.

i took this one

But I'll try New York before I try Buenos Aires. Its size scares me. And there are no black people there, which is unacceptable.
Holy shit this post has been about nothing. Here's something I thought about when I was looking down at the mud. Imagine the robot voice from Fitter Happier saying these things out loud.


non-voluntarily anorexic
fictionally paranoid, high functioning virtual paranoid
bipolar with a twist of anxiety
selective attention deficit
party junkie
panic self doubt
chimeric body issues
oedipally complexed woman
bicultural depression; the open veins of pachá new york
chaotically simple minded
unextraordinarily intelligent
lazy fuck