how i learned to be gay

I used to watch a lot of lesbian movies when I was younger because I needed to now what being gay looked like... since I din't know any body who was gay in real life. Buffy, L Word, Sugar Rush, Fucking Åmal, porn... those actually were my first teachers in queeritude. 

tara and willow, joss' characters who showed me it was okat to be gay

show me love showed me it was cool to be gay

sugar rush showed me it was fucking hot as shit to be gay. also, my bristol obsession stared right then.

Once, a girl told me that she and I had L word sex, which goes to tell you where I learned about fucking. At 12, a produced-only-for-the-male-gaze lezzie porn (*i actually remember exactly which clip, i found it online i would link to it but I am too embarrassed)  actually taught me that such a thing as a clitoris existed and that it felt *awesome* to touch it, because god forbid anyone teach you *real* sex education.

you knew this was coming

But back to lesfilms, I became obsessed and would watch any fucking film, no matter how horrible it was, with a lesbian plot line. It didn't even have to be prominent or the main story... just anything, any glimpse of gay that would signal to me what kind of gay I was. Was I a top? 

if only she could act 

I pretended for a long time I was because those were always the coolest characters, like Shane. I'm not really. I'm not really anything. I stopped watching any gay movies I could find. Now I only watch ones that actually look like they could be good... Does that mean I am more comfortable with my gayness? I don't dress up to appear more or less gay now. I used to. I like my long hair and I'm not getting rid of it. 
I paint my nails all kind of ridiculous colors but I also wear plaid shirts. I'm happy where I am with the gay in me, I don't need to see endless representations of gay to define myself anymore. I'm confident in my gay. Which is hilarious, because I am getting less laid than ever. Yes, hilarious is the word for it.

But I did learn my first steps into lezziedom from these shows. I learned how to be gay from the television! I learned how to be in a relationship from Willow and Tara, I learned how to fuck from Shane and Better Porter, I learned most lesbians find one person and become obsessed with them from Sugar Rush.... Thank you, TV! I love you. It's not the same now, but boyfriend, am I glad you were there for me, like a pervy older friend who toyed with my emotions but totally showed me what was what. I salute you!

Speaking of boyfriends, HOLY SHIT TRUE BLOOD LAST NIGHT. 

FINNNNNNAAAALLLLLLYYYYYYY YESSSSS

Speaking of True Blood, have you seen Evan Rachel Wood's new swaggity swag style? I mean, she's trying really hard to be a gayelle (remind me of me like 5 years ago), but she.looks.so.effing.cute! Grrr!

couple of things I am embarrassed about - getting personal up in hurr

1. I like Buffy the Vampire Slayer a tad too much. I don't like it. I love it. I often imagine what different characters would think in a given situation. I think in quotes from the show. I name drop Joss Whedon constantly. I worry about whether or not Buffy and Spike will get together next comic season. I have cried several times in several episodes (most notably, The Body, The Gift, Seeing Red, Innocence, etc). I wait anxiously for new updates of my favorite fics. I could watch the show on repeat for the rest of my life.

the gift/seeing red       

        1(a) I am also very embarrased by the fact that I think that Spike and Buffy share one of the greatest loves of all time, and how much I obsessed over the fact that they should be together. 

please, Joss, please! they so belong together. 

2. On a related note, I get too obsessed with other TV shows and spend way too much time watching them.
3. Sometimes, I search the tag "thinspiration" on Tumblr and look at the pictures of anorexic girls who are trying so hard to look like me. I am both fascinated by the girls that are too skinny and I feel superior to the ones who look like me but had to try so hard to do so. When I do this, I try to be eating something fatty and gross at the same time. It makes me chuckle.

haha this bitch probably hates me.

4. Sometimes I pick my nose. And I don't shower everyday either.
5. I am not as smart or as interesting as everyone thinks I am. I don't read enough. I am also not as self-confident as I make it seem.

you will always be capt mal to me, nathan. 

6. Sometimes I feel embarrassed to tell people about how fucked my family is. This also makes me feel very guilty.
7. The fact that I kind of maybe very slightly possibly really do want to be one of those incredibly boring but hot hipsters who seem to get laid a lot.

ugh why can't i be a slight, dainty, american-apparel wearing, septum-piercing sporting, tatted-up hot girl?

8. My vagina for reasons I won't discuss. :(




That's it! I thought the list would be longer YAY. But I'm a pretty horrible person, uh?






<3