what are you going to say?

What.are.you.going.to.say?

What would they say, if they had to see my blood staining my shirts every day, drip drip drop,

if the truth about my father came out, one, two, fourteen days in bed, if I became a stench overpowering everyone? My body decomposing into a neat collection of bones, who needs food when you have cigarettes?

what if they knew that the way my toes are always waiting to run?

I will cut out my sexual organs and shave my head, or buy a chastity belt and sow up my mouth.

what if they knew about all the men I have killed, all the women I have raped?

If I was unclean, unsexed, lazy, and a drunk.

What would they say if I became a vampire, and I died in the sea, burned to ashes mixed with salt water by the sun? When they find out that I never learned anything, that Metz was right and no one knows de Kooning or Glenn Gould but everyone knows Snookie?

Would they be disappointed if all I did was watch TV and masturbate and never think another thing ever, until I get bored and knock back that bottle of Ambien I have in my drawer? When the crystal music finally became too loud and my nose dove into the snow? Aiming for the doe deer, wrapping christmas lights around my neck, swing there, swing back.

Would they try to stop me, would they be horrified? Would their faces melt because I hate them so much? What are you going to say when I do it?

Would you even care, fag? What are you going to do when you realize this is pasto pasta pastiche?

I can't even tell what my body is doing.

Volvé! Pelotudo!

Hey, I am sorry I don't write more often. I have been doing everything and nothing. I go through phases of working like a maniac, to dissociating with everything, drinking into a stupor and napping for the better part of the day. I have so much to say, and so little time. Well, little energy. I am graduating too soon, I don't want to, and I don't want to talk about it right now. Me and Jwife have been having pretty intense conversations about it all. I don't know what anything means, I don't know what I am going to do when I don't have her or anybody else around. My soul is about to shatter into a thousand parts, I don't necessarily want to be around when that happens. 

Lately I have been feeling more worthless than usual. Well, more like I didn't take advantage of my school at all. I spent three years here and I have little to show for it. No thesis, no major paper, no extracurriculars. Just lots of pictures of drunken nights and a couple of new scars. Oh well. 

I go between having grand plans about the future, being optimistic, to having panic attacks at lunch, fueled by coffee, mate, or other drugs. 

Half Moon Glasses

But, I have been doing superficial things, like downloading all the Crystal Castles albums and all the dubstep Skins songs. I am obsessed with Crystal Castles now. I don't know what took me so long, but it's great music to study, read, clean, and even fuck. (Also Alice Glass is hot)

Crystal Castles - Doe Deer (right click to download)

I also started watching Angel again. It's awesome. I have watched awesome movies lately:

32 Short Films about Glenn Gould

Near Dark (do not watch if you can't handle gore)

Yesterday I watched The Virgin Spring AND read a Henning Mankel book. More reaffirmation of how incredibly cool the swedes are. I really really need to move to Sweden. I know this girl who got into grad school there. I want to try for next year. Hopefully it'll be a thing. Can you imagine, Stockholm? I wonder if there's gay people there. 

I don't really care as long as Max Von Sydow is there

Ok, I'm going to go read about cultural studies in film theory. Minorities making movies, who woulda thought?

<3

What comes after Sunday?

Dudes! I am so sorry I didn't write for a while. I mean, no one else is sorry, but I am. Writing (on blogs) helps me with my shit. But, so it happens I haven't had much “shit” lately, which just reinforces my theory that only pain produces any sort of worthwhile writing. 

That, or drugs.

But I just had spring break, and it was awesome. I went to the city and spent too much money on alcohol but it was fucking worth it. I promised myself that one day I will live in New York, at least for a couple of years.

From a cab cross the Brooklyn bridge.

On the days I was lazy I watched the new season of skins. It is pretty good, although the kids seem much much younger now. The Frankie chick is hot and really queer, so that's nice. But nothing will compare to the last generation... so much hot teenage sex... grr.

LOL

Anyway, I had a lot of good conversations while on break. My and my friend Margaret discussed how ridiculous old professors are, and how they think that the internet is evil and how it's fucking up our “communication”. Fuck off, old bat, I can speak to my mother every day who is in Uruguay. They also think that their bullshit revolution is still relevant. No, sir, our revolution is being made on blogs, stencil art, and dance floors, on a personal level, because your grand cultural social revolution created more questions than it answered and so now we are stuck with your emotional baggage and bills. I know you wear an earring and think you're 'with it' but you really ain't.

And then Margaret and I shared some heavy shit and it made me feel great that I have so many wonderful friends in so many places, but also sad that I can't see them all everyday. I stayed with many friends, some new and some old. The last couple of days have been fabulous and hilarious and full of Rebecca Black jokes.

I also ran into * literally ran into * one of the first friends I made in America and have always been in love with. She is squatting in Brooklyn. It made me happy to see her and to see that people can still live off the grid in a city like New York. However, a lot of things about her life made me not so happy. But we had dinner and we laughed and her dog was super cute and she met some of my friends. She said she is very glad I have many wonderful people in my life. I told her she should get some herself.

Friends like these two.

My friends each have a little piece of me and I am never ever going to be complete until we all move into a big house by the beach. Deal? Deal.

Vamo' questarde

Then, after watching the muppets show when I was hanging out with the cutest fucking little boy in all of history, I had awesome dreams about Lil Jon being a host in the muppets show. And also how Mos Def invited and drove me to a party. I am really popular in my dreams.

Marry me, Mos

Anyway, I found THIS today. I wrote it a while ago, and I was asleep. Every once in a while I literally write while I am completely asleep. There's also a bit about a kid named Jake driving up to a camp in Vermont. I'll try to make that into a story.

Here it is:

Suddenly, this stupid laser-like beam thing comes full throttle into your eyeball and messes with your concentration, even if your eyelids are closed, this defiant attitude, you know, I can't see you, i'm probably asleep. Kindly fuck off. Blinding light after a nice continuity of heavy summer foliage shielding your eyes, keeping your soul all brooding and in the perfect mood for soulful trip-hop music. Suddenly, the sunshine reminds you, aw fuck, must be happy. Your body reacts with violent burst of energy, the summer is here, and you must go outside. Vitamin D is calling.

What am I doing?

weheartit

Anyway, today is terrible and grey and FUCKING SNOWING AGAIN. It's the first day of spring, man! Come onnnnn argrghghsghagfpnrkuga. I have much much work to do, but I am feeling pretty happy and nice and warm so whatever! Have a good day!

<3