I had a sex dream with Freja

I have been having teacher training all week. I am not good at teaching things. All my life I thought I was good at explaining and showing. But, apparently, grammatical concepts evade me: I freeze and babble and assume... It's not pretty. I am also becoming more and more deficient vis-à-vis my attention ever single day. I can't concentrate for more than fifteen minutes, after which I just *tune out*, even when I am actively trying to listen. I need medication... ohbutwait you don't have health insurance yayyyyy.

give me them pills!

My notebook is one huge scribbledoodle. My fingers are died in icky blue ink, I leave smudgy fingerprints in every available surface. But! Thanks to my ever dwindling attention span, I discovered that the notebook I am using for this class is also the same notebook I used to use as a part-time journal in France. FWANCE! 

Fwance! 

I used to have another blog back then, and much of its content I drew from this and other notebooks. I lost everything I ever wrote for that blog because I am extremely intelligent and mistakenly deleted all my backed-up copies. BUT LOOK HERE, I found some golden phrases that reminded me of my year in Paris:

"Is it weird that I write by startin at the last page and keep going back?"

"You know what's weird? People with no chins."

"I want to do queer-latino cinema, but that's like... expected."

"I hate girls who are ashamed of watching porn."

terry richardson

All of them gems. I also wrote something by the name of "anti-solipsism". I vaguely remember coming up with this and thinking it would be something like believing everyone else thought you up, that you only live in other people's mind which is crazy. 

But it's a pretty fun exercise to go over the stuff I wrote and make up new stuff with it (that's called being unoriginal and lazy). I have some poems there I just discovered: poems about a girl who doesn't want me anymore. I feel even shittier than I did five minutes ago.  

BUTWHATEVER right now I am listening to that new Rihanna song, Man Down (have you seen that video? it's craycray) which led me to think about the fist time I heard it, which was in San Francisco with my friend, Banana. Her real name is not Banana. 

Banana and I are meant to live in the same city and go to the same parties and do the same drugs together. She is just one of those people your soul knows it needs around all the time. But Banana lives in San Francisco and I don't. Her apartment and assortment of roommates and friends hit me over the head with a bottle of awesome and I was drunk/dazed with all their goodness. Everyone was so interesting and cool and they all smoked cigarettes! Inside!! I was floored. 

San Francisco was amazingly awesome I have no words. But I don't think it would have been as awesome if it wasn't for the people I met/chilled with. San Franciscans are super friendly but kind of assholes in the way New Yorkers are assholes: because they can. I'm the same way (slash, I'm probably really mean and bitchy, but this is what I tell myself). Because people from SF are so cool they can afford to make snarky comments and criticize my fashion sense. I mean, they live in SF and I don't, they must be doing something better than I am. 

maybe that's it

In SF I stayed with Banana and with Lucy before that. Lucy is not her real name. Lucy's house was actually the most beautiful house I have ever seen. It was small, had two floors. It was in one of those really steep streets in SF, just like the movies. The living/dining room was super spacious and had huge windows that looked onto the street, gazing over the greenest trees ever. If you sat on the couch you thought you were in a very awesome tree house. I took pictures with my Diana, but they didn't come out right and I am sad sad sad about it.

Lucy had two cats, both of them acted like dogs, and one of them was HUGELY FAT and so adorable. It was scared of me. Lucy has problems with a third cat who comes in and eats her cats' food. The cat was names Bruce. Lucy is one of those people who is so chill and interesting and intelligent and wise beyond her years that you don't know where the hell they came from. Like, how is this possible? Her smile could melt ice cubes. I wish I had her around every time I felt sad, she can make a bad mood disappear.

Reading over this I realize all I have talked about is how amazing my friends are and youknowwhat I DONT CARE they totally are and I miss them. The cold makes me all shitty and tired and nostalgic. I am reading over all my love poems and I am getting angrier by the second. To myself, mostly. Today I woke up late and took a nap about an hour and half after I did. I can't stop notsleeping/sleeping. I think about school, about the states, about "her" you know the elusive thing you think you find but then you don't but might you meet her again maybe at a club maybe never, but mostly I wonder how I'm going to fail. I am so scared because I am not taking my medication and I am not feeling well and I can feel it, the spiral I'm right there, and nothing is there to catch me. 

But then I take a sleeping pill and go to sleep.








also, today i had a sex dream involving this individual:

freja beha

What comes after Sunday?

Dudes! I am so sorry I didn't write for a while. I mean, no one else is sorry, but I am. Writing (on blogs) helps me with my shit. But, so it happens I haven't had much “shit” lately, which just reinforces my theory that only pain produces any sort of worthwhile writing. 

That, or drugs.

But I just had spring break, and it was awesome. I went to the city and spent too much money on alcohol but it was fucking worth it. I promised myself that one day I will live in New York, at least for a couple of years.

From a cab cross the Brooklyn bridge.

On the days I was lazy I watched the new season of skins. It is pretty good, although the kids seem much much younger now. The Frankie chick is hot and really queer, so that's nice. But nothing will compare to the last generation... so much hot teenage sex... grr.

LOL

Anyway, I had a lot of good conversations while on break. My and my friend Margaret discussed how ridiculous old professors are, and how they think that the internet is evil and how it's fucking up our “communication”. Fuck off, old bat, I can speak to my mother every day who is in Uruguay. They also think that their bullshit revolution is still relevant. No, sir, our revolution is being made on blogs, stencil art, and dance floors, on a personal level, because your grand cultural social revolution created more questions than it answered and so now we are stuck with your emotional baggage and bills. I know you wear an earring and think you're 'with it' but you really ain't.

And then Margaret and I shared some heavy shit and it made me feel great that I have so many wonderful friends in so many places, but also sad that I can't see them all everyday. I stayed with many friends, some new and some old. The last couple of days have been fabulous and hilarious and full of Rebecca Black jokes.

I also ran into * literally ran into * one of the first friends I made in America and have always been in love with. She is squatting in Brooklyn. It made me happy to see her and to see that people can still live off the grid in a city like New York. However, a lot of things about her life made me not so happy. But we had dinner and we laughed and her dog was super cute and she met some of my friends. She said she is very glad I have many wonderful people in my life. I told her she should get some herself.

Friends like these two.

My friends each have a little piece of me and I am never ever going to be complete until we all move into a big house by the beach. Deal? Deal.

Vamo' questarde

Then, after watching the muppets show when I was hanging out with the cutest fucking little boy in all of history, I had awesome dreams about Lil Jon being a host in the muppets show. And also how Mos Def invited and drove me to a party. I am really popular in my dreams.

Marry me, Mos

Anyway, I found THIS today. I wrote it a while ago, and I was asleep. Every once in a while I literally write while I am completely asleep. There's also a bit about a kid named Jake driving up to a camp in Vermont. I'll try to make that into a story.

Here it is:

Suddenly, this stupid laser-like beam thing comes full throttle into your eyeball and messes with your concentration, even if your eyelids are closed, this defiant attitude, you know, I can't see you, i'm probably asleep. Kindly fuck off. Blinding light after a nice continuity of heavy summer foliage shielding your eyes, keeping your soul all brooding and in the perfect mood for soulful trip-hop music. Suddenly, the sunshine reminds you, aw fuck, must be happy. Your body reacts with violent burst of energy, the summer is here, and you must go outside. Vitamin D is calling.

What am I doing?

weheartit

Anyway, today is terrible and grey and FUCKING SNOWING AGAIN. It's the first day of spring, man! Come onnnnn argrghghsghagfpnrkuga. I have much much work to do, but I am feeling pretty happy and nice and warm so whatever! Have a good day!

<3