what are you going to say?


What would they say, if they had to see my blood staining my shirts every day, drip drip drop,
if the truth about my father came out, one, two, fourteen days in bed, if I became a stench overpowering everyone? My body decomposing into a neat collection of bones, who needs food when you have cigarettes?
what if they knew that the way my toes are always waiting to run?
I will cut out my sexual organs and shave my head, or buy a chastity belt and sow up my mouth.
what if they knew about all the men I have killed, all the women I have raped?
If I was unclean, unsexed, lazy, and a drunk.
What would they say if I became a vampire, and I died in the sea, burned to ashes mixed with salt water by the sun? When they find out that I never learned anything, that Metz was right and no one knows de Kooning or Glenn Gould but everyone knows Snookie?
Would they be disappointed if all I did was watch TV and masturbate and never think another thing ever, until I get bored and knock back that bottle of Ambien I have in my drawer? When the crystal music finally became too loud and my nose dove into the snow? Aiming for the doe deer, wrapping christmas lights around my neck, swing there, swing back.
Would they try to stop me, would they be horrified? Would their faces melt because I hate them so much? What are you going to say when I do it?
Would you even care, fag? What are you going to do when you realize this is pasto pasta pastiche?

I can't even tell what my body is doing.

Hey, I am sorry I don't write more often. I have been doing everything and nothing. I go through phases of working like a maniac, to dissociating with everything, drinking into a stupor and napping for the better part of the day. I have so much to say, and so little time. Well, little energy. I am graduating too soon, I don't want to, and I don't want to talk about it right now. Me and Jwife have been having pretty intense conversations about it all. I don't know what anything means, I don't know what I am going to do when I don't have her or anybody else around. My soul is about to shatter into a thousand parts, I don't necessarily want to be around when that happens. 

Lately I have been feeling more worthless than usual. Well, more like I didn't take advantage of my school at all. I spent three years here and I have little to show for it. No thesis, no major paper, no extracurriculars. Just lots of pictures of drunken nights and a couple of new scars. Oh well. 

I go between having grand plans about the future, being optimistic, to having panic attacks at lunch, fueled by coffee, mate, or other drugs. 

Half Moon Glasses

But, I have been doing superficial things, like downloading all the Crystal Castles albums and all the dubstep Skins songs. I am obsessed with Crystal Castles now. I don't know what took me so long, but it's great music to study, read, clean, and even fuck. (Also Alice Glass is hot)

Crystal Castles - Doe Deer (right click to download)

I also started watching Angel again. It's awesome. I have watched awesome movies lately:

32 Short Films about Glenn Gould

Near Dark (do not watch if you can't handle gore)

Yesterday I watched The Virgin Spring AND read a Henning Mankel book. More reaffirmation of how incredibly cool the swedes are. I really really need to move to Sweden. I know this girl who got into grad school there. I want to try for next year. Hopefully it'll be a thing. Can you imagine, Stockholm? I wonder if there's gay people there. 

I don't really care as long as Max Von Sydow is there

Ok, I'm going to go read about cultural studies in film theory. Minorities making movies, who woulda thought?


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