can i just ask you a question, miss?

In my never-ending devotion to VICE mag and their questions to random people on the street, I decided to answer their questions myself, because I am unoriginal and boring. But remember when I was in Paris and I used to write every single day? I think I want to do that again. 

WHAT'S YOUR SUICIDE SONG?

Pyramid Song (download - right click, save)

Also, maybe, Hurt by either Johnny Cash or NIN (this last video is a really bizarre choice of images for this song).

WOULD YOU SHOOT YOURSELF TO BE FAMOUS?

Yes, somewhere not in the face or spine. I really really want to be famous. 

WHAT WILL SMITH CHARACTER DO YOU WANT TO BE?

The Fresh Prince. 

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DIE?

If murdered: I would like to be hung to death and make it look like a suicide. But then my friend or lover would not believe the police and would have to gather clues as to what really happened to me. 

Otherwise, I would like to die in the cold, cold snow. 

ARE WORKING CLASS PEOPLE BETTER IN BED?

I am trying to think if I have slept with someone *not* working class... But yeah, poor people fuck better. 

WHAT'S YOUR HANGOVER CURE?

Usually a coke and a cigarette, but if possible, a Bloody Mary will take all your problems away. 

WHAT'S THE BEST SANDWICH YOU'VE EVER HAD?

Ham + Parmesan cheese + bacon + avocados + mustard + lettuce + tomato + lemon juice + salt.

WHY DO YOU LOVE AMERICA?

Because they gave me a bunch of money there so I could know things. Because it is the birth place of many many people I love dearly. Because it has pretty mountains and pretty deserts and nice architecture. Because great musicians sometimes come from there. Because New York City, San Francisco, and Seattle. 

I guess another reason is that pretty slutty girls come from there?

WHO DESERVES A PUNCH IN THE FACE?

Probably everyone. Probably me. But mostly all those people who perform female genital mutilations are on top of my list. 

WHAT SORT OF PERSON WANTS TO BONE YOU?

Mostly men. And some women. But they usually get bored very fast. 

PROSTITUTION SHOULD BE LEGAL, RIGHT?

Yes. 

WOULD YOU MAKE A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL?

Probably not... because if the devil exists, then god must as well. And so must heaven and hell. If I make a deal with the devil, I will go to hell after I die. But if I meet the devil, it is direct evidence that heaven exists, and, sorry, but I don't want to suffer for ALL of eternity. If I was ever offered a deal by the devil, it would turn me into a devout christian. Talk about irony!

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT GUITAR SOLOS?

Not great, people tend to go overboard. 

WOULD YOU HAVE BEEN IAN CURTIS'S PAL?

Yes. We would have done a shit ton of drugs together. 

WHAT IS THE INTERNET?

The really real world.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A GHOST?

I've felt them before, and I have seen them in my dreams. 

WHAT ANIMAL DO YOU WANT TO BE?

A *male* lion, because they get to sleep all fucking day. Do I see some drool there?

WHO WAS YOUR TEENAGE CRUSH?

Heath Ledger + Julia Stiles

WHO WOULD YOU KILL?

People who rape children. People who mutilate women. Fred Phelps. Robert Mugabe. AhmadiNejad. The People Running Fox News. 

WHAT'S YOUR PICK-UP LINE?

I don't use them, I just flirt relentlessly. But my favorite one was from my friend who said: "Hey Lau, that outfit is very becoming on you. If I was on you, I'd be coming on you, too." It was gross but hilarious. 

YOU'RE A CULT LEADER, WHAT'S YOUR CULT ALL ABOUT?

Judging from the other day's post, crappy white female mcs. 

WHO IS THE UGLIEST MAN IN THE WORLD?

I don't know why, but he's so unattractive to me, he makes my skin crawl. 

WHAT'S THE MOST DISGUSTING THING YOU'VE EVER EATEN?

Mashed potatoes at a "restaurant" in Aguas Dulces, Rocha, Uruguay. It was potato-y water. Also, anything I find someone else's hair in. 

HOW BIG IS THE INTERNET?

I... don't know. 

IS FACEBOOK EVIL?

Yes. It makes ME evil. 

WHO'S THE SEXIEST CARTOON CHARACTER?

Mulan, fucking with gender roles and what not. 

These two bad bitches, too.

WHO'S THE WORST PERSON YOU'VE EVER MET?

A lot of people from my high school. Bad people, sexist people, racist people, homophobic people.

WHAT WILL YOU DO WHEN DAVID BOWIE DIES?

Cry for days, in all honesty. 

WHO WOULD PLAY YOU IN A FILM ABOUT YOUR LIFE?

I would like it to be someone like Emma Stone, but, realistically, Tilda Swinton. 

WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO YOUR 16-YEAR-OLD SELF?

Get laid, it's not a big deal. Do drugs. Do more art, write more. You have potential. Don't go to high school in the States so early. Visit your father's grave. 

WHO’S THE COOLEST?

me

WHAT'S THE MOST PAIN YOU'VE EVER BEEN IN?

Physically? When I got all these teeth pulled out. They were all fucked up and they wouldn't come out, so they had to break them before pulling the pieces out. 

HOW WERE YOU DISCIPLINED AS A CHILD?

I wasn't. It's part of the problem. My father once slapped me because I was being annoying. My mother didn't do anything about it. 

HOW DID YOU FIND OUT ABOUT SEX?

From the X files. 

WHAT RACIST STUFF IS IN YOUR HEAD?

Horrible horrible things I don't want to own up to. But everyone laughs at Mexicans jokes, right?

john waters is probably a female mc

You know when you are not with a person and you think about the universe and god but actually the longest distance in the world is between your fingers because they're not touching? And you probably won't touch them again? And you can daydream about fucking them while you ride the bus home from work, maybe and how good his dick felt inside of you and the new one just isn't quite cutting it the smell of nice cologne on his prickly neck or running into his friends who pretend to not recognize you or involuntarily fantasizing* about running into him while you look like shit with no make-up on but fuck it! Do you know how easy it is to get a new dick? Do you know how easy it was?

I pretty much spent the weekend looking at gifs (did you know they are pronounced “jifs”??!?!?! blew my fucking mind) and videos today. I saw a terrible movie I found funny. I thought about boys and girls and the weather. I read all the articles on VICE and saw all the DOs and DONTs too. 

ugghghaghghghghghghg the synchronized back pattern is killing me (via.)

I made tiny lists in my head I forgot promptly. I got mad at my students for now knowing their shit. Now that I am a teacher, I am NEVER going into class unprepared, or miss class unless I am actually on fucking fire. It's rude and shitty and ungrateful. I thought about sexism a bunch and well-meaning dudes and how they never seem to get it, that horrible dread when you forgot you were a woman, you thought you were a human being, and then someone objectifies you, and then you just become a collection of holes with maybe nice hair. And they take pictures of you and maybe rate you on a scale from one to ten and you laugh and maybe participate but really you want to cry with all the rage while slowly choking the literal shit out of every man that's ever been alive. Except for John Waters.

                 

Did you know that John Waters is hitchhiking across America? He's, you know, mature, and just like, not giving any fucks, and getting rides from strangers.

It is never not okay to post a John Waters gif. Also, read THIS article. Speaking of VICE...

I've been a bad friend. I haven't returned some emails I should have. It's because sometimes I feel like recreating the stigmata with fucking nail scissors because I miss my friends so much, and telling them about my trivial shit seems not real and my face scrunches up but no real tears come out. Nobody wins.

Brassaï

I have a bunch of posts actually coming up. One is a poem I wrote about not eating food. Another is a list, because I love lists. Another is another post about men I'd like to fuck, but that's like a sore subject today, so let's leave it. Another is a post about how fucking insane my mother is and how every day I am turning younger vis-à-vis my relationship with her.

Dudes, I searched the tags on tumblr for "mother" and all I got was REALLY disturbing porn and pictures of Lady Gaga, so here's Joan Crawford, who is nothing like my mother. I'm more Joan Crawford in our relationship, if anything.

I downloaded 136 songs worth of hip-hop yesterday and spent 6 hours organizing my music library by genre. I tried to even google every missing album name (with its accompanying image) but that got old real fast.

I woke up sick today, bleeding, itching, my forehead is full of water and misspelled words

I made a circle around my bed with used tissues and old underwear

I listened to This Song 32 times in 3 days.

Wishing for Sleeping Beauty Disorder, just a bit under two months, is it? Today?

Jag äter mat, jag äter mat fucking inte. Jag äter aldrig? Gotta Practice.

Fake pearl necklaces and tight shirt collars
Some Things i Became Obsessed With Over The Weekend:

Iggy Azalea ft. T.I. - Murda Bizness

L$D - Don't Smoke My Blunt Bitch

Confesión Feat Eli Almic & DJRC by Eli Almic. I went to the best hip-hop show in Uruguay that I have ever been to. This girl, Eli Almic, was MCing. Straight crushin'.

Everything on rookiemag.com (again), specially this photo shoot with fucking with gender. I wish I was still a teenager so I could write for Tavi.

Pretty Little Liars. Yes, I watch the shit out of this show. Shut up.

All of Brassaï's photographs, specially these three. That french dyke couple (1932) is power. (via)




And, lastly, white cabbage salads at six in the morning, heavy on the vinegar.

*is there a word for this? You know, when maybe you lie in bed and you start thinking about the worst possible outcome, the scenario in which you would be the most embarrassed and hurt? Is this something only I do? Involuntarily fantasize? It's like day-nightmaring. Something.  

<3's back

something something on the bus

Today I had a crazy day. I woke up at 6 (lies, I put on my alarm at 6 and snoozed it until 7:10, then hurried the fuck out of my apartment). I got to work juuuuuust in the nick of time at 7:45 and waited for my students who are always late. Only one showed up. Like half an hour late. Then, I had two more classes back to back. After, I ran home, ate, and took a bus to Colonia del Sacramento.

via http://diegorj.tumblr.com/

There, after a three-hour trip, I gave another class. Now on the way back, squeezed next to a burly man on the bus, I'm on facebook instead of writing my short film (another story for another time). But, before I got on the bus, I went to a food cart to eat a hamburger and these two young guys were there. I was sitting there, eating, and one of them “whispered” to the other: “she's beautiful”. I dont know if they were a little deaf or what but I could totally hear what they were saying. It was kind of adorable, so I stuck around for a little longer. When the "whisperer" ordered his food, the other one said “and if you can include her, it would be great too”. He whispered that too, but I heard it.

I thought it was nice because they weren't saying gross shit about me, and I miss that. Here in Uruguay, all men say the grossest shit to you down the street, and even if it's not gross, they say it to your face, they invade your space. If you say something back, you're a slut, if you say something MEAN back, you're a bitch. Its like, fucker, you invaded my personal me time FIRST, I get to say whatever the fuck I want! But these guys were just saying that I was beautiful. It was refreshing, they didn't even try to talk to me (which is a smart move, cause they would have gotten shot the fuck down).

What the fuck is it with men and that behavior in this country? What in my face makes you think you can talk to me? This is why I've resorted to big ass headphones and sunglasses. I can still tell that they say shit to me, but I can ignore it safely. But I have a problem. I just cannot ignore it when they know i've heard them. I just have to say something back. Ill even call them a fag, which is the first thing that comes to mind, even though it's awful, because, poor fags, what they ever do to me?

YAAAAYY GAYYYYSSSS

If I ever forget my headphones or ipod or make eye-contact and I get cat-called (it should have another name, it's so gross), I will call their mother a whore. That's just the way it goes. You fuck with me, I rape you in the ass with a sharp stick. God forbid they touch me, because I will break their hand. Or at least twist their arm, like, a lot. It's happened before. And then I get called a bitch or crazy, by other women even. But whatthefuck, what they are doing is a violent act, even if they just use their words. It makes me SO ANGRY, they are violating my identity as a woman, and as a person.

It's like they dont believe I am real, they think they can just say whatever to me. What happens after, when my self esteem is shot, when I feel like a piece of meat that people just want to stick their penises in? When I cry myself to sleep, or just feel shitty for a couple of days? No man, if I say something back, the anger just floats away, and I get to resume a conversation with my friends or go about my day like nothing ever happened, knowing that that man will probably think twice before saying something gross to a girl he has no authority over.

Or maybe I have anger issues, one of the two.  

<3

no sleep till colonia del sacramento

I can't sleep. Again. I noticed, however, that this is because I like a girl. I like several girls. I like all girls! Again! And thus, I can't sleep; I go through different scenarios in my mind, playing out different outcomes to my awkward phrases, what I could have done better, etc. It's all very new and exciting. But I can't sleep. So, there's a correlation between me liking girls and me not sleeping. 

What.fucking.ever. At least I think about something other than how shit my life is because I'm so broke. Now I think about how shit my life is cause I'm so alone.

Maybe it's cause I keep doing this.

So no sleeping is a blessing. Lots has happened in my life since I last wrote. I have more friends now, different friends, international friends. People who are interesting. And do lots of drugs. I've been a bad girl. In the best most delicious kind of ways, and I just want to keep getting yummier and yummier. I also found out that the girlwhoshallnotbenamed was, in fact, seeing someone else and I KNEW IT MOTHERFUCKERS I KNEW IT. I actually feel better about myself, it doesn't mean it's anything I ever did, it's just that she is unreliable and met someone else. End of fucking story. Fucking finally. 

... 

Although, with summer very fast approaching, I do miss a hot body on top of my hotter one, but we'll see what we find eh?

Today it's 26 degrees (80 F) out and I see people without their shirts on, which makes me infinitely happy. Other things that make me happy: my mother's apple crisp with vanilla ice-cream, wearing skirts, smoking weed, girls with long hair, buying cheap nail polish. Things that make me unhappy: my perpetual state of motherfuckingbrokeness, being away from my friends, forgetting things, like my headphones in this exact minute. That's a pretty short list if you ask me, so I'm alright.

PICUNRELATEDLOL

I've always been afraid to do many drugs or drink too much, but I think that shit is actually making everything better. Yay for drugs!

Right now im on a bus going to work like 200 kilometers away from home. I go there and go back home every tuesday and thursday for the next two weeks. It's not great money but I dont have anything else to do. However, I made the mistake of taking the non-direct bus and this motherfucker has been stopping every time, letting people in an out. The seat next to me has seen a parade of mothers with babies, older smelly people, and, as of right now, a young girl who is very loud but seems nice. She looks about 15 and has a ridiculous interior accent.

Have you guys seen Pretty Little Liars? Because it's terrible but I watch it every week. 

When I travel by bus the same feeling overcomes me once and once again. I see a post, or a piece of garbage by the road, an individual electrical cable, and I think, fuck, has anyone else ever in your life ever noticed you? Probably not, I think, so then that makes me the only person ever who has ever noticed this thing, sitting there. A great big pressure begins in my body and I feel extremely big and extremely small at the same time. Sometimes when I close my eyes at night I feel the same pressure, but I am also floating. The darkness inside my head feels intermittently huge and tiny, my body, the same. I used to feel that a lot more when I was a kid. I hated the feeling and now I miss it. It was like being naturally high, questioning your own size, the universe, the darkness. So, I'm glad I can't sleep and question my own smallness.

I can't fucking believe I forgot my earphones.  

the one time i was really cool

Storyteller 7006

Come on in! Let me tell you about an incident that happened a couple of weeks ago. By the way, this is the second post today because I have not written in a really long time, and I am trying to keep from smoking for at least another 12 hours. I have gone 36 hours without a cigarette, and I want to see if I can make it until tomorrow night. 

do NOT GIVE UP (from this person)

Anyways. Twoooooooo Saturdays ago, J was here and I took her to El Mercado del Puerto. It's a huge old market where near the docks/port/water/bigassboats where they used to buy and sell goods FOB, but is now a turist (albeit DELICIOUS) trap full of restaurants that cook meat RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. They have this special "wine" thing, called Medio y Medio, half wine, half sparkly shit, and it gets you buzzed. 

Anyway, I took J there and we went with my Uruguayan bfffffl Emma. Emma is not her real name. We has a delicious lunch and me and J laughed at Emma's stories because she's a hilarious lady. As we walk out of the market, I tell J, in English: "Watch out for your shit, they steal everything around here." Literally dude, cue to a little kid sntching Emma's purse and running away with it. Two of them. I was oblivious, but I reacted quickly. 

classy classy (larepublica.com.uy)

"What did they take?" I asked. 
"Todo." Emma responded with a wounded kitten look on her face. 


Forth comes the most badass moment of my life:


"Hold this." I told J, handing her my cigarette and leather jacket. I promptly started running after these little hoodrats. The possibility of a knife or the fact that we were fastly heading into one of the most dangerous areas of the city didn't cross my mind. Finally, I see that they run into an old house, kind of shantytown deal, broken windows, broken doors, a junky standing outside, the whole deal. Out of breath, I suss out:

fuckas ain't know shit

"Give me back everything and I wont call the police" Seeing as there is a police station one block away from there, I wanted to strike some sort of fear into their little blackened hearts. See, in Montevideo, there are groups of kids, minors, who rob tourists or oblivious girls of their purses, wallets, whatever, and the police can't do shit. There is no good juvi system here, putting them through a trial is expensive and ineffective. And they can always accuse the police of police brutality. So the security around touristy areas is minimal since law "enforcement" officers choose to stay the fuck away. 

sometimes I like James Franco

Somehow, though, I got back my friend's purse, sans the money (150 pesos = 7 dollars) and with a broken strap, but her ID and shit were in there. So, happy ending. I was left with a killed buzz and threatening-to-explode lungs. However, my friends (and mom) pointed out that it was a very stupid thing to do, running after thieves. I would have been shot, knifed. 

Could I? I don't know. I have these reactions ("you don't act, you react" says my mom) that I sometimes can't help. I had a therapist tell me that these "badass" moments I sometimes have are a way to test my limits, but mostly, a form of self-destruction without the guilt. Which, is, you know, all sorts of correct. I also really enjoy all the compliments and astonishment from my friends that comes with doing shit like that. SOMEBODY NOTICEMEEEE. 

Okay, that was my story for today. I have others from my trip with J to Buenos Aires. 

NOT A DREAM POST

John Waters wrote this book called Crackpot: the Obsessions (which I own but is currently in possession of someone who is not fully appreciating it) and it's hilarious. Everyone should read it. In this book, John lists 101 things that he hates and 101 things that he loves. One of the things that he hates is people who say “I had the craziest dream last night!”. Well, I am a horrible perpetrator of this crime irl. Mostly because I dream a lot and my dreams are hilarious (as opposed to other people's). But I try not to talk about my dreams too much, specially on my blog, because it could easily become a dream log... because, again, I vividly dream every day, even during naps.

I also sleep a million hours a day

But today I talking about a dream I just had, because it is so disturbing it has left me depressed and disturbed. So... OMIGOD you'll NEVER guess what I dreamed about last night....

Okay, I had a dream that I found my real father (keep in mind, I know who my real father was), and he lived in America, was remarried and had two kids, a boy and a girl. I was staying at their house after being kicked out of Smith (you guys have GOT to stop posting about going back on Facbook, it's hacking into my dreams), just for a couple of days. My real “dad” (a short, kinda bald dude) never showed up in my dream. I was sharing a room with my 14-year-old half sister.

via this person

This is the fucked up part: 

I dreamt my “sister” seduced me and we made out and I was planning to have sex with her 

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BRAIN. WHYWHYWHYWHYYYYY WOULD I DREAM SUCH A THING??????????????????? I woke up feeling WRONG and when I remembered my dream I wanted to jump off the balcony. But it's like, really cold outside, so I didn't. What.The.Fuck. Am I a secret pedophile? It was so gross. It is so gross! I need to wash my brain with bleach.

Anywhooo, today is the first day without my Jwife. She left yesterday after being here for 13 days. The two months I spent here in Uruguay were basically just waiting for her, I knew she was coming, there was like, a hope. Now that she's gone I can't seem to find anything positive about being here – like, anything. 

maybe *you* (via thisperson)

I, of course, psychological help with this. Now, who's gonna pay for that? These past two days have been shit, shit shit. I found out a friend's mom passed away, which made me and J pretty depressed since both of our moms have had breast cancer. Most of the time I feel pretty numb, with some flashing moments of my eyes watering a little, my nose gets itchy, I can't get words straight. But then it's back into staring into some sort of screen, nice blues and greens, empty plates around my bed. Crumbs of sandwich number one make friends with crumbs of sandwich number two.

Autumn Sonata - Ingmar Bergman - 1978

I wasn't home when J had to go to the airport, I was at work. She left a note in my computer that I read when I got home from work which said “Leaving you sucks and I am starting to get tired of saying goodbye to my best friend.” How can people be expected to go through this type of shit all the time? Maybe I would have been better of staying here in the first place, never meeting people who will always take a piece of my heart when I leave or when they leave. My brain is scattered all over the world, in about 15-20 pieces, and I am afraid that I will never be complete: these pieces will never be in one place at the same time.

Google "Andre Harlow" and shit your pants.

But then, I wouldn't know so many wonderful people, and, let's face it, it's hella cool to have a piece of your soul in every continent.

On the other hand, I feel paranoid at all times; I am afraid one of my pieces will give up on me and not love me anymore. Let the little bit die. And then I'll die. And then who will I feel sorry for?

Is that why I can't meet people here? I have no more pieces left! All my interesting bits are not with me

... I just realized that all this talk about “pieces” and “bits” is extremely sexual and I didn't mean it it to be sowwwwwy.