catch 22

if you're gonna die at some point, why do it now? 
if you're gonna die anyway, why not do it now? 

end it all because you're not worth it. you're not worth it because you want to end it all. 

work to get money to pay for anti-depressants. be depressed because of shitty job. 

study to get better job that pays more. be in endless debt because of school. 

take pill to kill anxiety. have anxiety because you take too many pills. 

is that what catch 22 means? i never really understood the concept. 

i wrote a letter no one will receive. it talks friendship and family and poison and acid. that's it. i think that's all i wanted to say. goodbye now. the story has no beginning so this is in the middle. it serves no purpose it has no grammar. tonight i woke up my mother because i was crying too hard. she made a point to say that *her* mother never came to soothe her. it's all about me. i took four pills one two three four. my ego and wrists hurt from last night. there are just different levels of sadness between you two. she will never understand. i opened the window and debated with my mother about the possibility of me dying or of me breaking my back. we didn't reach a consensus. the scissors are hidden somewhere in the bed and only one person in the world could find them. she lives in paris. i vomited some chocolate pudding. i closed facebook. i need the attention. i opened facebook i need the attention. my toes curl in worry. no new messages, no new emails no new calls no new. no oxford comma, i said no grammar. can you please not show up in my dreams anymore? it makes being alive exhausting. It needs to be a solid block just a bit mor. it's too hot under this sweater. tears work better than makeup remover. just grow the fuck up laura these are teenager problems. get the fuck on with it. are you actually kidding me? it's been 10 fucking years let it go. i have an alcohol problem. a man i just met told me i should go to a a. i have a food problem. a man i just met told me i am anorexic. i have a drug problem. the man i just met didn't say anything because when he asked if i did any drugs i lied. i also lied that i came that day, i didn't but i was tired and honestly you were not doing such a good job. i am 10 kilos lighter than a year ago. eating makes me want to throw up and punch people in the face. food is medicine. how do you say that in swedish? her poems are better than mine. i mean  i get it how could you love all this crazy ^^? clonazepam dries tears <3 

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