18 hours spent in bed and I'm still tired. My pores and stomach are full, but I haven't eaten anything in months. My arms feel cold but the small of my back is wet, it sticks to my sheets, it bleaches my hair.  My feet, always dirty, try to escape the confines of my bed to breathe the hot air. All I do is yawn, my eyes perpetually watering, and remember, and dream. 

I remember how we went up to the mountains one day and had breakfast with all the kings of America. I remember your nipples sharp against the cold air dancing in front of my camera. I remember one-sided conversations. I make vague plans to write you a letter you will never ever receive. And, if you ever do, please throw it away. 

TELEVANDALIST makes the best gifs

I dream about the impending carnival and the mistakes I surely made at work. I dream about sleeping some more. I dream about my friends who are so far away, their red hair beacons from not that far away... but my voice breaks and she can't hear me. She's gone before she knows I'm here. Desperate teeth, a chance of survival quickly goes down the drain with a sigh and another yawn. Whatever. 

There's a well-known story around these parts by Horacio Quiroga about a woman who slowly dies immediately after she gets married. She becomes ill during her wedding night and slowly wastes away. It is later discovered a parasite lived in her pillow, the new pillow her new husband had given her for their wedding, and sucked her dry. It's a nice horror-y magical story and you should read it. But I'm like her. I'm Alicia and her parasite. Except I don't have a husband, or a new pillow, but something somewhere is sucking me dry. And I let it be. 

Things I Have Not Done Lately Because I Was Too Sleepy:
Brushed my teeth
Taken my contacts out
Painted my nails
Woken up on time - ever
Read anything
Watched TV
Watched films
Gone to the beach
Cleaned *anything*

The only thing I HAVE done is gone to work. For 6 hours, every day this January, I have pretended to be a functioning member of society. My work is pretty easy, so I finish every day around 1 and then stare at the wall for hours, trying to not fall asleep. I have no idea if what I have is a deep deep depression so deep I'm too sleepy to cry about it or I'm actually sick, but what I am is fucking over it. I rather be manic and self-destructive than this shit. I can't even cry over it, I feel close to nothing. So, someone trigger me please. 


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