john waters is probably a female mc

You know when you are not with a person and you think about the universe and god but actually the longest distance in the world is between your fingers because they're not touching? And you probably won't touch them again? And you can daydream about fucking them while you ride the bus home from work, maybe and how good his dick felt inside of you and the new one just isn't quite cutting it the smell of nice cologne on his prickly neck or running into his friends who pretend to not recognize you or involuntarily fantasizing* about running into him while you look like shit with no make-up on but fuck it! Do you know how easy it is to get a new dick? Do you know how easy it was?

I pretty much spent the weekend looking at gifs (did you know they are pronounced “jifs”??!?!?! blew my fucking mind) and videos today. I saw a terrible movie I found funny. I thought about boys and girls and the weather. I read all the articles on VICE and saw all the DOs and DONTs too. 

ugghghaghghghghghghg the synchronized back pattern is killing me (via.)

I made tiny lists in my head I forgot promptly. I got mad at my students for now knowing their shit. Now that I am a teacher, I am NEVER going into class unprepared, or miss class unless I am actually on fucking fire. It's rude and shitty and ungrateful. I thought about sexism a bunch and well-meaning dudes and how they never seem to get it, that horrible dread when you forgot you were a woman, you thought you were a human being, and then someone objectifies you, and then you just become a collection of holes with maybe nice hair. And they take pictures of you and maybe rate you on a scale from one to ten and you laugh and maybe participate but really you want to cry with all the rage while slowly choking the literal shit out of every man that's ever been alive. Except for John Waters.

                 

Did you know that John Waters is hitchhiking across America? He's, you know, mature, and just like, not giving any fucks, and getting rides from strangers.

It is never not okay to post a John Waters gif. Also, read THIS article. Speaking of VICE...

I've been a bad friend. I haven't returned some emails I should have. It's because sometimes I feel like recreating the stigmata with fucking nail scissors because I miss my friends so much, and telling them about my trivial shit seems not real and my face scrunches up but no real tears come out. Nobody wins.

Brassaï

I have a bunch of posts actually coming up. One is a poem I wrote about not eating food. Another is a list, because I love lists. Another is another post about men I'd like to fuck, but that's like a sore subject today, so let's leave it. Another is a post about how fucking insane my mother is and how every day I am turning younger vis-à-vis my relationship with her.

Dudes, I searched the tags on tumblr for "mother" and all I got was REALLY disturbing porn and pictures of Lady Gaga, so here's Joan Crawford, who is nothing like my mother. I'm more Joan Crawford in our relationship, if anything.

I downloaded 136 songs worth of hip-hop yesterday and spent 6 hours organizing my music library by genre. I tried to even google every missing album name (with its accompanying image) but that got old real fast.

I woke up sick today, bleeding, itching, my forehead is full of water and misspelled words

I made a circle around my bed with used tissues and old underwear

I listened to This Song 32 times in 3 days.

Wishing for Sleeping Beauty Disorder, just a bit under two months, is it? Today?

Jag äter mat, jag äter mat fucking inte. Jag äter aldrig? Gotta Practice.

Fake pearl necklaces and tight shirt collars
Some Things i Became Obsessed With Over The Weekend:

Iggy Azalea ft. T.I. - Murda Bizness

L$D - Don't Smoke My Blunt Bitch

Confesión Feat Eli Almic & DJRC by Eli Almic. I went to the best hip-hop show in Uruguay that I have ever been to. This girl, Eli Almic, was MCing. Straight crushin'.

Everything on rookiemag.com (again), specially this photo shoot with fucking with gender. I wish I was still a teenager so I could write for Tavi.

Pretty Little Liars. Yes, I watch the shit out of this show. Shut up.

All of Brassaï's photographs, specially these three. That french dyke couple (1932) is power. (via)




And, lastly, white cabbage salads at six in the morning, heavy on the vinegar.

*is there a word for this? You know, when maybe you lie in bed and you start thinking about the worst possible outcome, the scenario in which you would be the most embarrassed and hurt? Is this something only I do? Involuntarily fantasize? It's like day-nightmaring. Something.  

<3's back

no sleep till colonia del sacramento

I can't sleep. Again. I noticed, however, that this is because I like a girl. I like several girls. I like all girls! Again! And thus, I can't sleep; I go through different scenarios in my mind, playing out different outcomes to my awkward phrases, what I could have done better, etc. It's all very new and exciting. But I can't sleep. So, there's a correlation between me liking girls and me not sleeping. 

What.fucking.ever. At least I think about something other than how shit my life is because I'm so broke. Now I think about how shit my life is cause I'm so alone.

Maybe it's cause I keep doing this.

So no sleeping is a blessing. Lots has happened in my life since I last wrote. I have more friends now, different friends, international friends. People who are interesting. And do lots of drugs. I've been a bad girl. In the best most delicious kind of ways, and I just want to keep getting yummier and yummier. I also found out that the girlwhoshallnotbenamed was, in fact, seeing someone else and I KNEW IT MOTHERFUCKERS I KNEW IT. I actually feel better about myself, it doesn't mean it's anything I ever did, it's just that she is unreliable and met someone else. End of fucking story. Fucking finally. 

... 

Although, with summer very fast approaching, I do miss a hot body on top of my hotter one, but we'll see what we find eh?

Today it's 26 degrees (80 F) out and I see people without their shirts on, which makes me infinitely happy. Other things that make me happy: my mother's apple crisp with vanilla ice-cream, wearing skirts, smoking weed, girls with long hair, buying cheap nail polish. Things that make me unhappy: my perpetual state of motherfuckingbrokeness, being away from my friends, forgetting things, like my headphones in this exact minute. That's a pretty short list if you ask me, so I'm alright.

PICUNRELATEDLOL

I've always been afraid to do many drugs or drink too much, but I think that shit is actually making everything better. Yay for drugs!

Right now im on a bus going to work like 200 kilometers away from home. I go there and go back home every tuesday and thursday for the next two weeks. It's not great money but I dont have anything else to do. However, I made the mistake of taking the non-direct bus and this motherfucker has been stopping every time, letting people in an out. The seat next to me has seen a parade of mothers with babies, older smelly people, and, as of right now, a young girl who is very loud but seems nice. She looks about 15 and has a ridiculous interior accent.

Have you guys seen Pretty Little Liars? Because it's terrible but I watch it every week. 

When I travel by bus the same feeling overcomes me once and once again. I see a post, or a piece of garbage by the road, an individual electrical cable, and I think, fuck, has anyone else ever in your life ever noticed you? Probably not, I think, so then that makes me the only person ever who has ever noticed this thing, sitting there. A great big pressure begins in my body and I feel extremely big and extremely small at the same time. Sometimes when I close my eyes at night I feel the same pressure, but I am also floating. The darkness inside my head feels intermittently huge and tiny, my body, the same. I used to feel that a lot more when I was a kid. I hated the feeling and now I miss it. It was like being naturally high, questioning your own size, the universe, the darkness. So, I'm glad I can't sleep and question my own smallness.

I can't fucking believe I forgot my earphones.  

what are you going to say?

What.are.you.going.to.say?

What would they say, if they had to see my blood staining my shirts every day, drip drip drop,

if the truth about my father came out, one, two, fourteen days in bed, if I became a stench overpowering everyone? My body decomposing into a neat collection of bones, who needs food when you have cigarettes?

what if they knew that the way my toes are always waiting to run?

I will cut out my sexual organs and shave my head, or buy a chastity belt and sow up my mouth.

what if they knew about all the men I have killed, all the women I have raped?

If I was unclean, unsexed, lazy, and a drunk.

What would they say if I became a vampire, and I died in the sea, burned to ashes mixed with salt water by the sun? When they find out that I never learned anything, that Metz was right and no one knows de Kooning or Glenn Gould but everyone knows Snookie?

Would they be disappointed if all I did was watch TV and masturbate and never think another thing ever, until I get bored and knock back that bottle of Ambien I have in my drawer? When the crystal music finally became too loud and my nose dove into the snow? Aiming for the doe deer, wrapping christmas lights around my neck, swing there, swing back.

Would they try to stop me, would they be horrified? Would their faces melt because I hate them so much? What are you going to say when I do it?

Would you even care, fag? What are you going to do when you realize this is pasto pasta pastiche?

I can't even tell what my body is doing.

Volvé! Pelotudo!

Hey, I am sorry I don't write more often. I have been doing everything and nothing. I go through phases of working like a maniac, to dissociating with everything, drinking into a stupor and napping for the better part of the day. I have so much to say, and so little time. Well, little energy. I am graduating too soon, I don't want to, and I don't want to talk about it right now. Me and Jwife have been having pretty intense conversations about it all. I don't know what anything means, I don't know what I am going to do when I don't have her or anybody else around. My soul is about to shatter into a thousand parts, I don't necessarily want to be around when that happens. 

Lately I have been feeling more worthless than usual. Well, more like I didn't take advantage of my school at all. I spent three years here and I have little to show for it. No thesis, no major paper, no extracurriculars. Just lots of pictures of drunken nights and a couple of new scars. Oh well. 

I go between having grand plans about the future, being optimistic, to having panic attacks at lunch, fueled by coffee, mate, or other drugs. 

Half Moon Glasses

But, I have been doing superficial things, like downloading all the Crystal Castles albums and all the dubstep Skins songs. I am obsessed with Crystal Castles now. I don't know what took me so long, but it's great music to study, read, clean, and even fuck. (Also Alice Glass is hot)

Crystal Castles - Doe Deer (right click to download)

I also started watching Angel again. It's awesome. I have watched awesome movies lately:

32 Short Films about Glenn Gould

Near Dark (do not watch if you can't handle gore)

Yesterday I watched The Virgin Spring AND read a Henning Mankel book. More reaffirmation of how incredibly cool the swedes are. I really really need to move to Sweden. I know this girl who got into grad school there. I want to try for next year. Hopefully it'll be a thing. Can you imagine, Stockholm? I wonder if there's gay people there. 

I don't really care as long as Max Von Sydow is there

Ok, I'm going to go read about cultural studies in film theory. Minorities making movies, who woulda thought?

<3