sunrise

Let's see. It's 5:45 AM and I am awake. I don't have to be at work until 7:45. I woke up randomly at 4:00 and have been on the computer for about an hour now because I couldn't fall back to sleep. I've been writing a story about a rapist. yaaaaaay. I'm also listening to the Buffy Musical soundtrack. 
These past week has been very very strange to me. It was my birthday, which is always... weird. Growing up, more freedom? new friends IS THAT A(NOTHER) WHITE HAIR???!? Yeah, it's like a roller coaster of social and existential anxiety throwup. For me at least, for the last couple of years. I don't presume it will get any better until I turn 40 and I just give up. 

Anyway, I had a fight a fight with a friend that is not even resolved at the time I am writing this. So right now I may have lost a friend, or, you know, not. It actually hurts a lot thinking about it, so I'm not gonna write about it until there is some clear definition to the conflict (hahahaha lau that only happens in movies this is real life). 

But it got me thinking about friendship in general (OHMYGOD now I'm listening to "Under your Spell"... you Buffyphiles know what I'm talking about -- Tara was so awesome). 

"You make me cum - plete!" Joss Whedon is SUBTLE. 

I take friendship seriously. Like, very very seriously. I could win at friendship if it was a sport. Competitive friendship (it's called the internet). Since I was 15, my friends have HAD to become my family because I was so far away from home all the time. And they did, some of them. I have many sisters and foster moms and brothers and etc. Making friends is choosing your family, it's awesome! I don't  understand people who only stay with one group of friends forever and ever... There are so many awesome people and I always wanted a big family! And I've got one! I've got a family member in every continent! (Except Australia). 

hey you

But homie, I work for these friendships. I am so not perfect, and I get angry too easily and I come with baggage and you will have to listen to me complain about my father and shit, and I get moody. But I care, and when I say "te quiero" it really - really - mean it. I know not a lot of people, including some of my friends, share these feelings, or at least not to the same power as mine, which is hard sometimes. 
Also hard? Feeling half a person most of the time because your sisters and brothers are not there with you. 

This in an incomplete thought process. I might come back to it. 

pic unrelated, but isn't this shit cool?

Okay, moving on. Last night I went to to my first class  on script writing. We watched bits of Back to the Future and talked some theory, so yeah. The teacher is young and seems very smart and informed. Some of the people taking the course, however, seem older people with nothing better to do. Many of them didn't know who Lynch was... which, like, okay, but... no. I'm a snob? No, I'm a film student. Fuck off, you cannot not know who David Lynch is. WHATEVER some other people seem pretty cool (90% men, and the other girls are uncool and annoying -- no lesbian love for me there!). 

she... wasn't there

Speaking of lesbian love, I'm insane and I had a huge step back this weekend. Maybe it was my birthday thing. Maybe because I've been dreaming about my ex like every night. But I messaged her... didn't play out so well. I have temporarily closed off my Facebook out of embarrassment. 

(Giles' song is playing now, and I kinda want to cry)

You guys I'm watching the sunrise from bed this is actually ridiculous. My apt has the best view ever, actually. The sky is blue and yellow and green and orange. The buildings are black and the sea is purple. The street lights are still on, flickering? The Uruguayan state can't afford very bright lights, maybe. Which is okay with me, this city is fuzzy at night and that's fine by me. The birds are chirping -- loudly -- and there are very few cars out.

this is not montevideo, this is bolivia. i took this pic <3

Thankfully I think today won't be bad. Even though I only had two hours of sleep, I feel pretty positive I won't start crying as I do the dishes like I did on Sunday. Or that I won't sleep ALL day like I did on Saturday. Or that I won't wait for my mom to go to the store so I could contemplate disinfecting my pair of scissors. 






okbye

the one time i was really cool

Storyteller 7006

Come on in! Let me tell you about an incident that happened a couple of weeks ago. By the way, this is the second post today because I have not written in a really long time, and I am trying to keep from smoking for at least another 12 hours. I have gone 36 hours without a cigarette, and I want to see if I can make it until tomorrow night. 

do NOT GIVE UP (from this person)

Anyways. Twoooooooo Saturdays ago, J was here and I took her to El Mercado del Puerto. It's a huge old market where near the docks/port/water/bigassboats where they used to buy and sell goods FOB, but is now a turist (albeit DELICIOUS) trap full of restaurants that cook meat RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. They have this special "wine" thing, called Medio y Medio, half wine, half sparkly shit, and it gets you buzzed. 

Anyway, I took J there and we went with my Uruguayan bfffffl Emma. Emma is not her real name. We has a delicious lunch and me and J laughed at Emma's stories because she's a hilarious lady. As we walk out of the market, I tell J, in English: "Watch out for your shit, they steal everything around here." Literally dude, cue to a little kid sntching Emma's purse and running away with it. Two of them. I was oblivious, but I reacted quickly. 

classy classy (larepublica.com.uy)

"What did they take?" I asked. 
"Todo." Emma responded with a wounded kitten look on her face. 


Forth comes the most badass moment of my life:


"Hold this." I told J, handing her my cigarette and leather jacket. I promptly started running after these little hoodrats. The possibility of a knife or the fact that we were fastly heading into one of the most dangerous areas of the city didn't cross my mind. Finally, I see that they run into an old house, kind of shantytown deal, broken windows, broken doors, a junky standing outside, the whole deal. Out of breath, I suss out:

fuckas ain't know shit

"Give me back everything and I wont call the police" Seeing as there is a police station one block away from there, I wanted to strike some sort of fear into their little blackened hearts. See, in Montevideo, there are groups of kids, minors, who rob tourists or oblivious girls of their purses, wallets, whatever, and the police can't do shit. There is no good juvi system here, putting them through a trial is expensive and ineffective. And they can always accuse the police of police brutality. So the security around touristy areas is minimal since law "enforcement" officers choose to stay the fuck away. 

sometimes I like James Franco

Somehow, though, I got back my friend's purse, sans the money (150 pesos = 7 dollars) and with a broken strap, but her ID and shit were in there. So, happy ending. I was left with a killed buzz and threatening-to-explode lungs. However, my friends (and mom) pointed out that it was a very stupid thing to do, running after thieves. I would have been shot, knifed. 

Could I? I don't know. I have these reactions ("you don't act, you react" says my mom) that I sometimes can't help. I had a therapist tell me that these "badass" moments I sometimes have are a way to test my limits, but mostly, a form of self-destruction without the guilt. Which, is, you know, all sorts of correct. I also really enjoy all the compliments and astonishment from my friends that comes with doing shit like that. SOMEBODY NOTICEMEEEE. 

Okay, that was my story for today. I have others from my trip with J to Buenos Aires. 

NOT A DREAM POST

John Waters wrote this book called Crackpot: the Obsessions (which I own but is currently in possession of someone who is not fully appreciating it) and it's hilarious. Everyone should read it. In this book, John lists 101 things that he hates and 101 things that he loves. One of the things that he hates is people who say “I had the craziest dream last night!”. Well, I am a horrible perpetrator of this crime irl. Mostly because I dream a lot and my dreams are hilarious (as opposed to other people's). But I try not to talk about my dreams too much, specially on my blog, because it could easily become a dream log... because, again, I vividly dream every day, even during naps.

I also sleep a million hours a day

But today I talking about a dream I just had, because it is so disturbing it has left me depressed and disturbed. So... OMIGOD you'll NEVER guess what I dreamed about last night....

Okay, I had a dream that I found my real father (keep in mind, I know who my real father was), and he lived in America, was remarried and had two kids, a boy and a girl. I was staying at their house after being kicked out of Smith (you guys have GOT to stop posting about going back on Facbook, it's hacking into my dreams), just for a couple of days. My real “dad” (a short, kinda bald dude) never showed up in my dream. I was sharing a room with my 14-year-old half sister.

via this person

This is the fucked up part: 

I dreamt my “sister” seduced me and we made out and I was planning to have sex with her 

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BRAIN. WHYWHYWHYWHYYYYY WOULD I DREAM SUCH A THING??????????????????? I woke up feeling WRONG and when I remembered my dream I wanted to jump off the balcony. But it's like, really cold outside, so I didn't. What.The.Fuck. Am I a secret pedophile? It was so gross. It is so gross! I need to wash my brain with bleach.

Anywhooo, today is the first day without my Jwife. She left yesterday after being here for 13 days. The two months I spent here in Uruguay were basically just waiting for her, I knew she was coming, there was like, a hope. Now that she's gone I can't seem to find anything positive about being here – like, anything. 

maybe *you* (via thisperson)

I, of course, psychological help with this. Now, who's gonna pay for that? These past two days have been shit, shit shit. I found out a friend's mom passed away, which made me and J pretty depressed since both of our moms have had breast cancer. Most of the time I feel pretty numb, with some flashing moments of my eyes watering a little, my nose gets itchy, I can't get words straight. But then it's back into staring into some sort of screen, nice blues and greens, empty plates around my bed. Crumbs of sandwich number one make friends with crumbs of sandwich number two.

Autumn Sonata - Ingmar Bergman - 1978

I wasn't home when J had to go to the airport, I was at work. She left a note in my computer that I read when I got home from work which said “Leaving you sucks and I am starting to get tired of saying goodbye to my best friend.” How can people be expected to go through this type of shit all the time? Maybe I would have been better of staying here in the first place, never meeting people who will always take a piece of my heart when I leave or when they leave. My brain is scattered all over the world, in about 15-20 pieces, and I am afraid that I will never be complete: these pieces will never be in one place at the same time.

Google "Andre Harlow" and shit your pants.

But then, I wouldn't know so many wonderful people, and, let's face it, it's hella cool to have a piece of your soul in every continent.

On the other hand, I feel paranoid at all times; I am afraid one of my pieces will give up on me and not love me anymore. Let the little bit die. And then I'll die. And then who will I feel sorry for?

Is that why I can't meet people here? I have no more pieces left! All my interesting bits are not with me

... I just realized that all this talk about “pieces” and “bits” is extremely sexual and I didn't mean it it to be sowwwwwy.

how i learned to be gay

I used to watch a lot of lesbian movies when I was younger because I needed to now what being gay looked like... since I din't know any body who was gay in real life. Buffy, L Word, Sugar Rush, Fucking Åmal, porn... those actually were my first teachers in queeritude. 

tara and willow, joss' characters who showed me it was okat to be gay

show me love showed me it was cool to be gay

sugar rush showed me it was fucking hot as shit to be gay. also, my bristol obsession stared right then.

Once, a girl told me that she and I had L word sex, which goes to tell you where I learned about fucking. At 12, a produced-only-for-the-male-gaze lezzie porn (*i actually remember exactly which clip, i found it online i would link to it but I am too embarrassed)  actually taught me that such a thing as a clitoris existed and that it felt *awesome* to touch it, because god forbid anyone teach you *real* sex education.

you knew this was coming

But back to lesfilms, I became obsessed and would watch any fucking film, no matter how horrible it was, with a lesbian plot line. It didn't even have to be prominent or the main story... just anything, any glimpse of gay that would signal to me what kind of gay I was. Was I a top? 

if only she could act 

I pretended for a long time I was because those were always the coolest characters, like Shane. I'm not really. I'm not really anything. I stopped watching any gay movies I could find. Now I only watch ones that actually look like they could be good... Does that mean I am more comfortable with my gayness? I don't dress up to appear more or less gay now. I used to. I like my long hair and I'm not getting rid of it. 
I paint my nails all kind of ridiculous colors but I also wear plaid shirts. I'm happy where I am with the gay in me, I don't need to see endless representations of gay to define myself anymore. I'm confident in my gay. Which is hilarious, because I am getting less laid than ever. Yes, hilarious is the word for it.

But I did learn my first steps into lezziedom from these shows. I learned how to be gay from the television! I learned how to be in a relationship from Willow and Tara, I learned how to fuck from Shane and Better Porter, I learned most lesbians find one person and become obsessed with them from Sugar Rush.... Thank you, TV! I love you. It's not the same now, but boyfriend, am I glad you were there for me, like a pervy older friend who toyed with my emotions but totally showed me what was what. I salute you!

Speaking of boyfriends, HOLY SHIT TRUE BLOOD LAST NIGHT. 

FINNNNNNAAAALLLLLLYYYYYYY YESSSSS

Speaking of True Blood, have you seen Evan Rachel Wood's new swaggity swag style? I mean, she's trying really hard to be a gayelle (remind me of me like 5 years ago), but she.looks.so.effing.cute! Grrr!

couple of things I am embarrassed about - getting personal up in hurr

1. I like Buffy the Vampire Slayer a tad too much. I don't like it. I love it. I often imagine what different characters would think in a given situation. I think in quotes from the show. I name drop Joss Whedon constantly. I worry about whether or not Buffy and Spike will get together next comic season. I have cried several times in several episodes (most notably, The Body, The Gift, Seeing Red, Innocence, etc). I wait anxiously for new updates of my favorite fics. I could watch the show on repeat for the rest of my life.

the gift/seeing red       

        1(a) I am also very embarrased by the fact that I think that Spike and Buffy share one of the greatest loves of all time, and how much I obsessed over the fact that they should be together. 

please, Joss, please! they so belong together. 

2. On a related note, I get too obsessed with other TV shows and spend way too much time watching them.
3. Sometimes, I search the tag "thinspiration" on Tumblr and look at the pictures of anorexic girls who are trying so hard to look like me. I am both fascinated by the girls that are too skinny and I feel superior to the ones who look like me but had to try so hard to do so. When I do this, I try to be eating something fatty and gross at the same time. It makes me chuckle.

haha this bitch probably hates me.

4. Sometimes I pick my nose. And I don't shower everyday either.
5. I am not as smart or as interesting as everyone thinks I am. I don't read enough. I am also not as self-confident as I make it seem.

you will always be capt mal to me, nathan. 

6. Sometimes I feel embarrassed to tell people about how fucked my family is. This also makes me feel very guilty.
7. The fact that I kind of maybe very slightly possibly really do want to be one of those incredibly boring but hot hipsters who seem to get laid a lot.

ugh why can't i be a slight, dainty, american-apparel wearing, septum-piercing sporting, tatted-up hot girl?

8. My vagina for reasons I won't discuss. :(




That's it! I thought the list would be longer YAY. But I'm a pretty horrible person, uh?






<3