how i learned to be gay

I used to watch a lot of lesbian movies when I was younger because I needed to now what being gay looked like... since I din't know any body who was gay in real life. Buffy, L Word, Sugar Rush, Fucking Åmal, porn... those actually were my first teachers in queeritude. 

tara and willow, joss' characters who showed me it was okat to be gay

show me love showed me it was cool to be gay

sugar rush showed me it was fucking hot as shit to be gay. also, my bristol obsession stared right then.

Once, a girl told me that she and I had L word sex, which goes to tell you where I learned about fucking. At 12, a produced-only-for-the-male-gaze lezzie porn (*i actually remember exactly which clip, i found it online i would link to it but I am too embarrassed)  actually taught me that such a thing as a clitoris existed and that it felt *awesome* to touch it, because god forbid anyone teach you *real* sex education.

you knew this was coming

But back to lesfilms, I became obsessed and would watch any fucking film, no matter how horrible it was, with a lesbian plot line. It didn't even have to be prominent or the main story... just anything, any glimpse of gay that would signal to me what kind of gay I was. Was I a top? 

if only she could act 

I pretended for a long time I was because those were always the coolest characters, like Shane. I'm not really. I'm not really anything. I stopped watching any gay movies I could find. Now I only watch ones that actually look like they could be good... Does that mean I am more comfortable with my gayness? I don't dress up to appear more or less gay now. I used to. I like my long hair and I'm not getting rid of it. 
I paint my nails all kind of ridiculous colors but I also wear plaid shirts. I'm happy where I am with the gay in me, I don't need to see endless representations of gay to define myself anymore. I'm confident in my gay. Which is hilarious, because I am getting less laid than ever. Yes, hilarious is the word for it.

But I did learn my first steps into lezziedom from these shows. I learned how to be gay from the television! I learned how to be in a relationship from Willow and Tara, I learned how to fuck from Shane and Better Porter, I learned most lesbians find one person and become obsessed with them from Sugar Rush.... Thank you, TV! I love you. It's not the same now, but boyfriend, am I glad you were there for me, like a pervy older friend who toyed with my emotions but totally showed me what was what. I salute you!

Speaking of boyfriends, HOLY SHIT TRUE BLOOD LAST NIGHT. 

FINNNNNNAAAALLLLLLYYYYYYY YESSSSS

Speaking of True Blood, have you seen Evan Rachel Wood's new swaggity swag style? I mean, she's trying really hard to be a gayelle (remind me of me like 5 years ago), but she.looks.so.effing.cute! Grrr!