5.23.2012

MEN I WOULD GO STRAIGHT FOR: THE JOHNNY EDITION



The second installment in this series belongs to Tim Burton's wife: Johnny Depp. He used to come second to Heath, but now my obsession with him has greatly died down to a distant appreciation for his former looks and great acting skills.



THE DUDE:
It all started one winter night when me and my bffl Emi wanted to go watch, I kid you not, a Tom Cruise movie. But there were no more tickets left and the only movie available was Pirates of the Caribbean. Mind you, there had been little to no advertisement in Uruguay about this movie and me and Emi were all like: “ewwww a pirate movie? For kids?! Ew gross, we're 15, whatever, lalala”, but we went in anyway because we had nothing else to do. 
Fast-forward to two and a half hours later: wide-eyed and wobbly-legged we exited the theater, staring at each other like we just saw g-d. Holy shit! We had almost crapped our pants with laughter and we now thought this Johnny Depp person was the coolest thing ever.

hahah ssstop

I had been vaguely aware of Johnny before that, but nothing special. After seeing that movie I realized it was the same guy from Cry Baby (John Water's eppppiiiiiicccccccccc mainstreamish masterpiece: watch it now), a movie that I had watched and loved years before. After Pirates, I watched all Depp movies I could: Cry Baby (again), Benny and Joon, Arizona Dream, What's Eating Gilbert Grape, Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas, Don Juan de Marco, Sleepy Hollow, The Ninth Gate, Chocolat, Blow, The Man Who Cried, Secret Window (eugh, in theaters too), Edward Scissorhands, Ed Wood, Before Night Falls, That One Movie About Jack The Ripper Where He's Addicted To Opium And Heather Graham Has An Awful British Accent, Sleepy Hollow, Pirates of the Caribben 1-67, Once Upon A Time In Mexico, Finding Neverland, The Libertine (awful, just awful), Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Alice In Wonderland (this one also in theater AND in 3D – worst 15 euros ever spent), et cetera.



Johnny has mostly a great movie record, but he does have some terrible movies out there. He also, in my opinion, does not have a great taste in women: Winona Ryder, Kate Moss (yeah, she's physically perfect but seems like the biggest bitch ever), and Vanessa Paradis. He also seems a bit too affected, with his stupid hair and insisting on smoking in-doors. He also made that movie with Angelina Jolie that I refuse to watch that could have only been appealing 15 years prior. He has sported some shitty-ass tattoos.



But I have to admit, I still have a soft spot for him. He's a great actor. I am really looking forward to seeing Dark Shadows, both for him, and because it seems that Burton's got his touch back. Hopefully.

LESBIAN APPEAL:
He looks like a lesbian. 

he's on his way to a sunday morning farmers' market to get some produce for his partner

All his life, he has looked like a hot lesbian. He's so freaking pretty! He even dresses like one: with fedora hats and long-ish hair. He knows French and lives in Paris. Which is pretty gay. Like Heath, he has played non-stereotypical gay roles, which leads me to think he's okay with gay.


FAVORITE INCARNATION:


no, seriously, stop


WHAT I WOULD DO WITH HIM:
I would have liked to have hooked up with him when he was a bit younger, he's kind of looking rough these days... but I'd talk to him about his movies, walk around Paris, have some ice cream at Berthillon, and play with his kids. We would make fun of American tourists. I'd make him introduce me to Helena Bonham-Carter.


HOT FEMALE COUNTERPART FOR MY GAYS OUT THERE:

Charlotte Gainsbourg!


everything she does makes me want to cry

charlotte + johnny + radiohead = melancholic heart attack

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